My gender and me, again

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about gender.

I wonder what it would be like to go 6 hours of waking life without considering my clothes, my hair, my body language, my voice, my attitude, my space.  Not to wonder about my gender presentation, not to imagine I was doing something different.

In the past few weeks I have come across bits and pieces about bois every so often.  It is so appealing to me except that I find myself to be a Kinsey 0 and so not affiliated with queer communities.  That said, queer ideas on sexuality seem to be much more appealing to me that those of the hetro commnity.  I guess my perfect world involves a man who is comfortable playing with gender in this way with me. This is why I always find men who have a bit o’ the queer in them somehow so attractive.  I think they won’t insist on me always being a girl, they won’t be uncomfortable with switching; they might even love it.

Oh I read a really sexy post tonight, via May, When I was a Boy.

Sometimes I think to myself, “Hey I have been a committed polyamorist for my entire adult life.  I have been kinky my whole life.  My gender is still a questionable issue to me.  I have rejected hetronormitivity in every way other than my love of men.  Am I really straight?”

Lately I have been doing a bit more of a special kind of activity you might not expect me capable of.  I have been going out in public in drag, as a woman.  Last week, for the first time in my life I left the house for a few hours wearing high healed boots.  (Oh wait actually it was the second time… once I ended up going somewhere when I had just planned to go down the block.)  Sometimes on hot days I wear sun dresses.  I bought a tube of mascara which I occasionally apply.  Nothing too fancy but I feel incredibly conspicuous.  I think everyone will know what a costume this is for me.  I have to remind myself that while it feels as though I’m going out in some sort of fetish gear, to that rest of the world I am just preforming my gender normally, even sub par.

I normally don’t discuss my submissive fantasies here, because one of the most erotic things in the world to me is being figured out, having the truth dragged out of me, by a prying, relentless dominant (whoops I let a second one slip. ).  So there are things that I intentionally don’t volunteer, not because I am ashamed of them but because it’s really a lot of fun for me to be a bit of a puzzle.  Anyway I will give one out which is that I want to be made to dress up in full on drag, to be a woman like I never have been before with a hair do and makeup and pretty clothes that you can’t ride a bike in.  I want this to be done to me.  To me this is a humiliation scene.  Not as in “it is humiliating to be a woman” but because I think it would be like stepping into another body, a body I am so uncomfortable in.

I mean, I have attempted to do this to myself, in as much as I am able.  I actually have some nice women’s clothes.  But every time I am about to leave the house I am afraid.  I think it would be unbelievably sexy to be forced to do this.

I don’t think it would carry the same emotional weight for me to be made to dress like a man, as many of my clothes are already men’s clothes.  Though I definitely present as a woman on the street, I think my tomboyishness definitely shows through.I think dressing in full on male drag would be fun, but some days I basically do that anyway other than my hair which is long and uncomfortable any way but piled on top of my head.

Humiliation

Something I crave as a sub and would like to learn how to give responsibly and effectively as a dom is erotic humiliation. I have been finding what the Internet has to offer me on this subject. An interesting thought from a “talk” given over IRC in 1998:

ABondager: I feel that in SSC humiliation Play there must be a factor of deniability in the play. When I call my lady a slut she is not really a slut but loves “playing” at being a slut, since she knows deep in her heart that she is not a slut it helps her keep it in the proper place.

…

BoundLady: I think the difference is that when he calls me his slut, I know that I am not really a slut, but I am a slut for him. If he were to call me a fat pig I would probably sit there and think “Maybe he really thinks I am fat .. oh my god, I am fat … he doesn’t like the way I look” .. because I am a little overweight I have a hard time getting that deniability factor, it could, after all, be true.

Deniability, now there is something I had never thought of. But I think in some situations it may be accurate. Not all, and not for everyone though.

For example I remember one thing a dom did to me once. He inspected my teeth, which are not that good, and full of cavities. He made comments about them and instructed me to get them looked at. I am so self-conscious about my teeth, it’s probably the body part I like the least. So he hit me where it hurt in a way. It was not easy for me to let him see that part of me, which I normally hide. It really did feel debasing.

But there is no “deniability” in that little story. I legitimately do have terrible teeth, though it doesn’t look that way.