I went to a workshop by Andrea Zanin the other day. She admitted the vagueness of her description of it during the workshop, but also explained she was trying to get at something more substantive than simple techniques (not to knock techniques).
Body Play: Creating Erotic Scenes—with Andrea Zanin
The body is an exquisite instrument… and we can all become better players! In this workshop, we’ll talk about ways to tune into your partner during the opening notes of your scenes, look at how different areas of the body hold different emotions, and learn techniques for tapping into those emotions. Then, it’s time to play! We’ll look at fun ways to use your hands, arms, legs, torso, feet, mouth and other body parts to create sensual SM symphonies that can range from gentle to challenging. This is an interactive workshop; you’ll be encouraged to ask questions, share your experiences and contribute your ideas.
There were a variety of people there, including a couple who had apparently no interest in BDSM and thought it was supposed to be about massage and other gentle ways of loving. At one point Andrea asked for a volunteer to get hit in the chest and the husband volunteered. I couldn’t help but wonder if he didn’t have some idea about the nature of the workshop, really. He did generally seem to be quite into it. I wonder if this was his way of broaching the subject with his ladyfriend (who looked decidedly less comfortable; I can’t recall speaking more than 5 words the whole time).
The main meat of the workshop was in two parts. The first was brainstorming about how to use various body parts to play with someone else. I liked the idea of not being reliant on tools and techniques to achieve effects. (Especially as a beginner whose technical skillz are limited.) It worked by naming a body part and then people said things they thought could be done with that. An elbow, a foot etc. I think this would be a fun game to play with a lover. 
The second part was about the emotions and energy associated with particular body parts, and how they make people feel. Also relationships between one body part on one person being used on a different part on the other. Andrea said that a lot of it is obvious once you think about it, and she war correct.
I loved all the demonstrations. I especially liked the last one, where she showed how she begins a scene, which was by holding someone from behind, whispering to her, holding her hand, putting her hand over her chest, swaying gently. The woman she was doing this with absolutely melted into her. It was a really sweet thing to watch. I thought of times I have been wrapped in an emotion like that, when I have entangled someone else in my own. I also continually marveled at Andrea’s abilities as a workshop presenter, her ability to throw herself into exemplifying what were quite intimate situations, with strangers. I am envious of her skillz.
A picture I drew of tying up a lover. Andrea holding the woman reminded me very much of the day I drew here and one subsequent day with the same person.
While the information conveyed was interesting, the best part of this for me was getting to hear from someone who plays as a top/dom who seems to be coming from a similar place to me. This lady managed to talk for 2 hours on the general subject of BDSM without being offensive or ignorant. (Far from being ignorant she obviously out-skillz me by many, many fold, which is my favourite kind of person.) I need to find more people like this. She explicitly asked consent for various activities involved in what she planned on doing. She didn’t just obtain consent for one activity and assume it extended to others. I loved this because my some of my recent experiences have been so dismal in this regard. It was really, really affirming for me to be reminded that there are other people involved in this who have thought about things a bit further than how to wrangle a “yes” out of their subject.
I got to be briefly part of one of the demonstrations. While I have very little trouble talking all about sex and the erotic (have trouble shutting up though), I generally have a very strong aversion toward getting up to do anything other than talk in front of a group. I mean, if I was at a magic show I wouldn’t volunteer to help with a card trick being done either. I think it’s because I am so unsure of my body, I am so clumsy, I’m really afraid of tripping, or that I’ll drool or something, I don’t know. I don’t think I have ever gotten up and been a “volunteer from the audience” in my entire life. I had no intention of sharing anything other than words and ideas at this workshop. But then she asked for a volunteer to get slapped in the face, which is one of my top three favourite erotic activities. And I know this can be uncomfortable for a lot of people. So I valiantly sacrificed my comfort for the good of everyone else. (Yeah right. Am I fooling you?)
(My body is so fickle about pleasure, there are precious few kinds of touch or play I can rely upon to make me feel good. For the record, two of the others are someone pulling my hair and a lover’s cock rubbing my body, which I find to be spectacularly charged with erotic energy in a way I cannot quite explain, but I think it is one of my special super-empathetic abilities, to share someone else’ pleasure. Anyway back on topic now…)
So I tried that, partly for the chance to get slapped in the face, which isn’t really such a rare occasion in my life since it’s something I have taught any lover who doesn’t already know to do. (In general boys are extremely reluctant to slap me, until I convince them to do it once or twice. The they see how incredibly hot and happy it makes me, which changes their opinion of it substantially.) If the presenter had been a man I may not have bothered, as I can get slapped by a man any day of the week. (OK, only most days.) But I have been wondering for so long if any of this would work for me with a woman.
When I was a teenager I surprised myself and others by turning out really hetro. (I honestly expected myself to be a lesbian from a pretty young age. It took me a long time to accept my deeply exclusive love for cock and the men they are attached to, and my indifference towards anybody’s cunt but my own.) In highschool, while my girlfriends were making out with each other and drooling over Angelina Jolie I found myself oriented entirely towards men. In my earlier 20s I developed a crush on a lady friend of mine, and eventually, after giggling constantly around her for longer than was cute, we made out a bit. I found myself completely unaroused, although I felt nice and intimate to be rolling around in a park with someone who’s company I generally enjoy so enthusiastically. My mind loved it but my cunt was silent on the matter.
So after evaluating this experience and my general feelings towards women (none of whom have ever made me feel hot between the legs) I decided that so far as vanilla sex goes I am 100% hetro. A Kinsey zero. (That said I have a hard time thinking of myself as “straight” as a kinky, poly, genderqueer person. But that’s for another post.)
But I have this theory that I could probably submit to a woman. I think this because the feelings I have had when submitting to men are so different from the ones I have when engaging in vanilla lovemaking with them. For sure there can be some cross over. But they are distinct in how I hunger for them and how I feel when they run through my body.
(I could probably also dominate a woman, in the far distant future when I am comfortable enough with domination. I think I could only do this with a strongly feminist woman.)
I do not think the nature of this could be overly sexual. I mean different people play more or less sexually. For some, BDSM is a kind of foreplay. (Foreplay being a male-centred and problematic concept to begin with.) With rare exception, unless I am first engaged with someone like this in a vanilla sexual way, with kink being a secondary aspect of the relationship, I find this undesirable in any situation. It feels boring and awkward. When I submit I am interested in being obedient, in serving, in pleasing, in giving of myself. I can do this in so many ways other than being fucked, giving head and allowing my orifices to be probed. I don’t think I could very enjoyably serve a woman who wanted primarily sexual service out of me, but neither do I enjoy this with men.
While cunt has no particular attraction to me, I have found that a strong D/s dynamic gives me the ability to eroticize anything. For example, I am not drawn in particular to feet. In a vanilla setting I may squeeze my partner’s feet, to connect a touch through the whole body, or massage them because I know if feels great, but my interest in feet specifically is quite low. However when I have been told to kiss my dominant’s feet I find it to be a deeply satisfying act.
A picture I made one time of myself at a dominant's feet
I feel like if I can enjoy feet, I can probably enjoy cunts. Not to offend anyone by saying they are the same, other than they are both body parts holding no intrinsic desire for me. Except, something I wonder, is if cunts have same strong erotic energy I can feed on like I do for cocks. I wonder if I can do this in the context of a D/s dynamic. I wonder what I could learn for the right person. I am so curious.
So I have this theory about myself but I am not sure how to go about trying it out. I feel like there is a lot of uneasy feelings from lesbians about “bi curious” women. But I don’t know if that word would really quite apply to me. Cause I know I am not bisexual.
Although intellectually I agree with the friend I made out with, who always says beings straight is stupid; who cares about genitals? It’s the person that matters. I tried for years to bring myself around to that emotionally and carnally but was unable to. I also wonder if this whole idea about the potential to serve a woman is more of the same, if really I am just trying to deny my identity.
I would not draw any huge conclusions about being slapped around for 2 minutes in a workshop. But it certainly didn’t feel like that time I made out with my friend in the park. I mean it felt warm and not cool. It felt really nice.
I felt stupid afterwards for leaving so quickly at the end of the workshop. I wanted to stay and talk to all the interesting people who were there, but my body propelled me out the door and onto my bike. I was thinking so hard, and I was so flustered, I didn’t have any faith in my ability to hold a conversation with strangers. I have the odd quirk of being much more comfortable talking in a group than one-on-one. Some how there is less pressure, because attention is more diffused. On the way home, a thought I used to have often but which had faded from my consciousness popped back into my head, “How do I get recruited?” (Apparently I am much more pitifully passive than I would like to believe myself.)
Anyway at the end of it I really enjoyed this workshop although most of the things I thought of the most were not the direct content of it.
Then I undressed myself:
