Names

Last night I was at a kink event which I had organized, and someone decided to adress the group.  I was fine with this but then she called me by my real name.  Then she apologized.  Then she did it again.

I spoke with her about this privately and she said to me that first names don’t mean much to her.  I told her, maybe they don’t mean much to you but they mean something to me.  Maybe in your line of work you don’t think it’s important. (Oh wait, I think she’s a student who doesn’t even have a fucking job other than modeling for BDSM books.)  But I do something where my reputation is important, and where I have other battles to fight than defending my sex life.  You pose nude for fetish books whereas I don’t have a single face picture online.

She told me, “It’s just I don’t know you by any other name.” This rang hollow to me.  I never introduced myself by that name, I introduced myself as Spoke.  She knew my real name because she was briefly fucking a friend of mine.  She saw me get angry at him for using it in public, for telling her.The claim of ignorance does not stand up.

So was it intentional? Who cares.  And really, what’s worse? The lack of integrity displayed by pretending to forget a limit or the carelessness with private information and boundaries of others?  What a poor display of character.

Locally

It seems like every time I make a comment on one of the local fetlife discussion boards I get hollered at.  No wonder that community has such a bad rep around here.  What a hostile group of people.  It’s usually one or two posts out of several, but the fact that no one but me seems to take notice or step in leads me to believe that petty disrespect is sanctioned in that community and that the folk who are involved in it are to some extent OK with that kind of behaviour.  Very scary to me given the communications and levelheadedness required to safely and respectfully conduct BDSM.

I will honestly say that when I am approached online by someone who has a strong affiliation with the major BDSM organization around here, it casts a certain kind of doubt about their character.  It’s not irreversible, because I know it’s not a 100% fair judgment, but that person definitely has to prove themselves to me that extra little bit.  I have just had too many negative interactions, coupled with the experiences of friends of mine, to let it slide.

What bullshit.

A terrible date

A short while back someone messaged me on fetlife, a dom guy who had a vague profile but seemed able to articulate himself well enough in writing. Actually too well in writing, his emails were really fricken long.  But given how much I complain about short and uninsightful emails I was not about to count that to his detriment.

I basically use messaging to determine if I am not interested in someone.  A lot like the concept of speed dating.  I’m not too interested in protracted correspondence, which I often fail to keep up my end of, so I opt instead to just make a coffee or beer date once I have the time.  (If anyone is reading this who I at one time simply failed to reply to, it’s not necessarily because I am disinterested so much as I am terrible at keeping up my emails, which is a reason why I tend not to want to rely on them much.  Don’t feel offended, just remind me about you if you are still interested.)

So anyway I said, OK let’s meet up.

We met up and I knew right away that I was not going to be interested in this person.  I am good at reading compatibility with people and this guy didn’t have it.  But I will always give a person a fair chance, if we both schedule time out of our lives to get together, I give the benefit of the doubt, because I do enjoy being proved wrong in such matters.

So we made our way to a pub, ordered a drink.  He ordered a respectable beer which was a point for him.  I will not number the points against him except for the final part of our conversation which would have had the exact same end result no matter what he had done or said or appeared as previously.

It started innocently enough, although somewhat contentious, which is how I like my introductory conversations.  We were talking about religions.  I mentioned Judaism as being fairly harmless.  (Although I did that more because I was interested in his views on the matter than because it’s exactly what I believe.  There are certainly many crimes and much blood on the hands of the Israeli state, but that is complex and not the same as Judaism.)

Then he told me this story about how on Second Life (yes) some Jews had been raising a stink because someone had set up a pretend store selling “second world war memorabilia from the German side.”  Now I am savvy enough in the ways of neo fascists to challenge him on this lame euphemism; I said, “You mean nazi stuff right?” which was of course correct.  So he complained about how these poor people had gotten banned just because of some mischievous Jews.  I basically said, “well fair dues.”  Basically in real life things exist, that’s a reality.  but in a fake world you cannot make that argument, things only exist because you create them.  If you create nazi paraphernalia you cannot make these same arguments.

He took off a ring and told me, “I wear this every day because I am German, and I think it’s important to remember.” He then explained all the different parts of it.  He knew the words in German for the skulls and stuff, told me the significance of it all.

Views of different sides of an SS honour ring. Read more about SS honor rings.

To tell the truth, I wasn’t paying entirely too close attention, because I was so shocked at the situation.

I said to him, “You wear a ring with a swastika on it every day?  Dude that’s fucked up.”

He argued about how it was just a symbol.  I said it’s symbol associated with a lot of fucked up shit.  To tell the truth I couldn’t quickly articulate an argument about this.  I don’t know that I have ever had to explain why you can’t go around wearing nazi paraphernalia to someone.  It just doesn’t come up.

So then he started a sentence with, “Now every day I wear boots with swastikas on them…” and I had had enough.  I told him he was fucking disgusting, which I stand by.  I left half a beer, which, for the record I do not think I have ever in my life left half a beer at a pub.  But this was too much.  I will not have a beer with someone like that.  I told him he should be ashamed of himself, he should not show that, etc etc.  I quickly paid the waitress and left.

I got him and phoned my parents to tell them about this, because I was so upset about it and I knew they would understand.  (No I did not tell them the nature of the site I met him on. )  They had good advice.  My mom said I should have left him to pay for my drink.  My dad said, “Well you better tell him he should be glad I wasn’t there.  Because I would have decked him, or worse.  You’re grandfather was German and he risked his life and lost many friends and family members fighting so those kinds of ideas would not spread.”  I thought that was well-put.

Myself, I wish I had picked the ring up off the table and dropped it down a sewer or something.

For the record, the person who I was out with is known as ShiftyCentaur on fetlife.  Yes, I believe in outing assholes like this.  There is no privacy when it comes to hate and bigotry.

Body play; thoughts

I went to a workshop by Andrea Zanin the other day. She admitted the vagueness of her description of it during the workshop, but also explained she was trying to get at something more substantive than simple techniques (not to knock techniques).

Body Play: Creating Erotic Scenes—with Andrea Zanin
The body is an exquisite instrument… and we can all become better players! In this workshop, we’ll talk about ways to tune into your partner during the opening notes of your scenes, look at how different areas of the body hold different emotions, and learn techniques for tapping into those emotions. Then, it’s time to play! We’ll look at fun ways to use your hands, arms, legs, torso, feet, mouth and other body parts to create sensual SM symphonies that can range from gentle to challenging. This is an interactive workshop; you’ll be encouraged to ask questions, share your experiences and contribute your ideas.

There were a variety of people there, including a couple who had apparently no interest in BDSM and thought it was supposed to be about massage and other gentle ways of loving. At one point Andrea asked for a volunteer to get hit in the chest and the husband volunteered. I couldn’t help but wonder if he didn’t have some idea about the nature of the workshop, really. He did generally seem to be quite into it. I wonder if this was his way of broaching the subject with his ladyfriend (who looked decidedly less comfortable; I can’t recall speaking more than 5 words the whole time).

The main meat of the workshop was in two parts. The first was brainstorming about how to use various body parts to play with someone else. I liked the idea of not being reliant on tools and techniques to achieve effects. (Especially as a beginner whose technical skillz are limited.) It worked by naming a body part and then people said things they thought could be done with that. An elbow, a foot etc. I think this would be a fun game to play with a lover.

The second part was about the emotions and energy associated with particular body parts, and how they make people feel. Also relationships between one body part on one person being used on a different part on the other. Andrea said that a lot of it is obvious once you think about it, and she war correct.

I loved all the demonstrations. I especially liked the last one, where she showed how she begins a scene, which was by holding someone from behind, whispering to her, holding her hand, putting her hand over her chest, swaying gently. The woman she was doing this with absolutely melted into her. It was a really sweet thing to watch. I thought of times I have been wrapped in an emotion like that, when I have entangled someone else in my own. I also continually marveled at Andrea’s abilities as a workshop presenter, her ability to throw herself into exemplifying what were quite intimate situations, with strangers. I am envious of her skillz.

A picture I drew of tying up a lover. Andrea holding the woman reminded me very much of the day I drew here and one subsequent day with the same person.

While the information conveyed was interesting, the best part of this for me was getting to hear from someone who plays as a top/dom who seems to be coming from a similar place to me. This lady managed to talk for 2 hours on the general subject of BDSM without being offensive or ignorant. (Far from being ignorant she obviously out-skillz me by many, many fold, which is my favourite kind of person.) I need to find more people like this. She explicitly asked consent for various activities involved in what she planned on doing. She didn’t just obtain consent for one activity and assume it extended to others. I loved this because my some of my recent experiences have been so dismal in this regard. It was really, really affirming for me to be reminded that there are other people involved in this who have thought about things a bit further than how to wrangle a “yes” out of their subject.

I got to be briefly part of one of the demonstrations. While I have very little trouble talking all about sex and the erotic (have trouble shutting up though), I generally have a very strong aversion toward getting up to do anything other than talk in front of a group. I mean, if I was at a magic show I wouldn’t volunteer to help with a card trick being done either. I think it’s because I am so unsure of my body, I am so clumsy, I’m really afraid of tripping, or that I’ll drool or something, I don’t know. I don’t think I have ever gotten up and been a “volunteer from the audience” in my entire life. I had no intention of sharing anything other than words and ideas at this workshop. But then she asked for a volunteer to get slapped in the face, which is one of my top three favourite erotic activities. And I know this can be uncomfortable for a lot of people. So I valiantly sacrificed my comfort for the good of everyone else. (Yeah right. Am I fooling you?)

(My body is so fickle about pleasure, there are precious few kinds of touch or play I can rely upon to make me feel good. For the record, two of the others are someone pulling my hair and a lover’s cock rubbing my body, which I find to be spectacularly charged with erotic energy in a way I cannot quite explain, but I think it is one of my special super-empathetic abilities, to share someone else’ pleasure. Anyway back on topic now…)

So I tried that, partly for the chance to get slapped in the face, which isn’t really such a rare occasion in my life since it’s something I have taught any lover who doesn’t already know to do. (In general boys are extremely reluctant to slap me, until I convince them to do it once or twice. The they see how incredibly hot and happy it makes me, which changes their opinion of it substantially.) If the presenter had been a man I may not have bothered, as I can get slapped by a man any day of the week. (OK, only most days.) But I have been wondering for so long if any of this would work for me with a woman.

When I was a teenager I surprised myself and others by turning out really hetro. (I honestly expected myself to be a lesbian from a pretty young age. It took me a long time to accept my deeply exclusive love for cock and the men they are attached to, and my indifference towards anybody’s cunt but my own.) In highschool, while my girlfriends were making out with each other and drooling over Angelina Jolie I found myself oriented entirely towards men. In my earlier 20s I developed a crush on a lady friend of mine, and eventually, after giggling constantly around her for longer than was cute, we made out a bit. I found myself completely unaroused, although I felt nice and intimate to be rolling around in a park with someone who’s company I generally enjoy so enthusiastically. My mind loved it but my cunt was silent on the matter.

So after evaluating this experience and my general feelings towards women (none of whom have ever made me feel hot between the legs) I decided that so far as vanilla sex goes I am 100% hetro. A Kinsey zero. (That said I have a hard time thinking of myself as “straight” as a kinky, poly, genderqueer person. But that’s for another post.)

But I have this theory that I could probably submit to a woman. I think this because the feelings I have had when submitting to men are so different from the ones I have when engaging in vanilla lovemaking with them. For sure there can be some cross over. But they are distinct in how I hunger for them and how I feel when they run through my body.

(I could probably also dominate a woman, in the far distant future when I am comfortable enough with domination. I think I could only do this with a strongly feminist woman.)

I do not think the nature of this could be overly sexual. I mean different people play more or less sexually. For some, BDSM is a kind of foreplay. (Foreplay being a male-centred and problematic concept to begin with.) With rare exception, unless I am first engaged with someone like this in a vanilla sexual way, with kink being a secondary aspect of the relationship, I find this undesirable in any situation. It feels boring and awkward. When I submit I am interested in being obedient, in serving, in pleasing, in giving of myself. I can do this in so many ways other than being fucked, giving head and allowing my orifices to be probed. I don’t think I could very enjoyably serve a woman who wanted primarily sexual service out of me, but neither do I enjoy this with men.

While cunt has no particular attraction to me, I have found that a strong D/s dynamic gives me the ability to eroticize anything. For example, I am not drawn in particular to feet. In a vanilla setting I may squeeze my partner’s feet, to connect a touch through the whole body, or massage them because I know if feels great, but my interest in feet specifically is quite low. However when I have been told to kiss my dominant’s feet I find it to be a deeply satisfying act.

A picture I made one time of myself at a dominant's feet

I feel like if I can enjoy feet, I can probably enjoy cunts. Not to offend anyone by saying they are the same, other than they are both body parts holding no intrinsic desire for me. Except, something I wonder, is if cunts have same strong erotic energy I can feed on like I do for cocks. I wonder if I can do this in the context of a D/s dynamic. I wonder what I could learn for the right person. I am so curious.

So I have this theory about myself but I am not sure how to go about trying it out. I feel like there is a lot of uneasy feelings from lesbians about “bi curious” women. But I don’t know if that word would really quite apply to me. Cause I know I am not bisexual.

Although intellectually I agree with the friend I made out with, who always says beings straight is stupid; who cares about genitals? It’s the person that matters. I tried for years to bring myself around to that emotionally and carnally but was unable to. I also wonder if this whole idea about the potential to serve a woman is more of the same, if really I am just trying to deny my identity.

I would not draw any huge conclusions about being slapped around for 2 minutes in a workshop. But it certainly didn’t feel like that time I made out with my friend in the park. I mean it felt warm and not cool. It felt really nice.

I felt stupid afterwards for leaving so quickly at the end of the workshop. I wanted to stay and talk to all the interesting people who were there, but my body propelled me out the door and onto my bike. I was thinking so hard, and I was so flustered, I didn’t have any faith in my ability to hold a conversation with strangers. I have the odd quirk of being much more comfortable talking in a group than one-on-one. Some how there is less pressure, because attention is more diffused.  On the way home, a thought I used to have often but which had faded from my consciousness popped back into my head, “How do I get recruited?” (Apparently I am much more pitifully passive than I would like to believe myself.)

Anyway at the end of it I really enjoyed this workshop although most of the things I thought of the most were not the direct content of it.

Idea: Kinky Speeding/Speedfriending

Alright I have an idea.

I think it would be a fun event to do something like “kinky speed dating/friending.”

What is speed dating?

I have never been to speed-dating so I had to look it up.  Basically, in vanilla hetro speed dating, you get all the men to sit on one side of a long table, and all the women on the other.  You get a card with the names of people you will talk to.  You get 2-8 minutes to chat with them and size them up.  Then a bell rings and one gender gets up and moves down the line.  Afterwards, you indicate your interest in the other person: “yes” or “no” on your card.  At the end of the night, the organizers collect the cards and where mutual “yes” matches are achieved forward people’s contact details to each other.  The idea is based on a person’s ability to determine compatibility very quickly based on body language and other cues.

Speed dating and speed friending

I think to make the situation more comfortable “friending” should be emphasized as much as “dating,” to make it feel like less of a meat market.  Also for folks who don’t necessarily want to jump right into playing right away.

Proposal

So my idea is basically to get a function room in a downtown bar that has decent food and drink (my vote is for the Clocktower) have people sign up in advance, and set up in the tables in such a way that half the people stay seated and half move around, but who you talk to is pretty much randomly-determined.  I think promotion could be done through word of mouth, facebook, and online advertising, so as not to be too time-consuming.  A few volunteers present to keep things running smoothly.

I think would be important to have one or two people who are good at reading people watching the vibes, to make sure no one is being made uncomfortable.  And to intervene if this does happen.

Then at the end there would be a bunch of work to send people their match info.

The event could be free (since I do not anticipate any costs associated with it) or else have a minimal cover charge to either as a fundraiser for friendly organization (ACO comes to mind?) or to fund some future event.

Kinky challenges

I think it would be very difficult to match people up with others who are a potential play match with them.  In hetro dating you have basically just two groups: men and women, and they are interested in each other.  In this case we have men, women, genderqueer as well as various flavours of tops and bottoms, individuals, couples, people interested only in another of a certain age, people interested in specific kink such as rubber or furries, monogamists and poly folk.  This article about organizing poly speed dating speaks of a computer program they wrote to match people up:

The computer program would do a first pass where it checked each particular dating unit (single, couple, group) versus every other dating unit to see if they were compatible. Then, it would run the search algorithm and generate a schedule, assigning each date to a particular location.

I wonder if it would be worth even trying to match people up like this.  Thoughts?

Another issue is gender.  I think to make an event like this comfortable for women, particularly women who are new to engaging in kink in a public way, it would be important to have a good gender balance.  What I mean is: not be dominated by straight men.  I am not sure if this would be an issue.  Thoughts?

I am not sure also if most people would be comfortable talking about their kinks so quickly with a stranger.  It could be too scary and awkward.  This is the main issue that stands in the way of me committing to making this happen.  How to make the space comfortable enough?

Background

I know a good few kinky folks, especially 20-somethings, who either do not participate in kinky community events or else have gone once or twice never to return. If my friends are any indication there are tonnes and tonnes of kinky folk locally who for one reason or another do not engage publicly.

I count myself in this group.  However I do want to meet other kinky folks.  I have been watching events listings locally for a few years now and the truth is that I rarely see anything that appeals to me.  Once in a while I do see something I’d like to attend but the scheduling doesn’t tend to work out for me as I work Friday evenings and often Saturday and Sunday mornings.

The truth is that play parties or public scenes/play of any sort do not appeal to me.  To me D/s is very intimate, I can understand why someone else would want to share it but that’s not my bag.  And since I think it’s rude of people to make out at parties, watching strangers play is unappealing to me.  Maybe I would watch my close friends play as a bonding experience, but strangers is another matter.

I have also seen that there are discussion groups, but the description seems to be something like a support group, with an emphasis on “coming to terms” with being kinky. Myself I have been kinky for about 20 years now, I have come to terms with it.  I don’t need to deal with it in a group, I don’t need affirmation.

I’m not saying this as criticism of what others enjoy, more by way of explaining how I think there is something missing and why I am wondering of this idea of mine would be a good one.

And I have asked a few of my privately-kinky friends if they would attend an event like this and have recieved positive feedback.

Well that’s the gist of the idea.  Tell me what you think please!